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I can hear her now...

August 28th, 2006 at 09:27 am

The one who once revelled in eating the first ripe berry from the branch and having it explode with all its succulent flavor is scratching her way out -- she's rekindling the romance within me, and I am so thankful she is not lost. I can't wait to really get to know her again. I'm sure she's changed and matured a bit, but I hope not too much. I hope not too much.

We are all Connected

August 28th, 2006 at 09:26 am

Beautifully connected. I admit, I'm on a high -- not a hyper type high, but a peaceful high. I have just come from a one hour massage. I had received a check for my birthday from my mother and father in law, and I chose to spend it on a 1 hr massage (for which, of course, I had a 25% off birthday coupon).

What a good decision. After my post last night, I really slept well. And this morning, I awoke feeling refreshed and excited about the decisions I have made to make a better life for myself.

My masseuse, Janine, was amazing. I could feel the compassion and strength infusing me. I tuned into that compassion and peace and I soaked it all up. I think I spent half the hour just praying; thanking God for never deserting me, and unburdening myself of guilt for being so distant. And the connections I was feeling through Janine's hands and arms and upon myself -- it just made me so very aware of how connected we all are. You and I and all of us, and how those connections influence our decisions, our attitudes, our thoughts, and our actions.

I watched the movie Pay it Forward last week and it feels like an echo of that, what I'm feeling now: connections...connnections...connections

Your posts on my blog influence the way I feel, and react, and respond. Your posts on the threads have helped me save money, and time, and have inspired me to be more attentive to financial matters, and emotional matters; personal and family matters. You make me grateful for all I have, and hopeful for what I will have. Not the material goods, but the peace, and the security, and the knowledge that I can influence other lives.

I feel calm and resolute. I feel joyful in a quiet, whispered way. And I feel grateful. I feel grateful.

Where is the One I used to be?

August 27th, 2006 at 08:33 pm

I get so frustrated sometimes. You know? I've gotten over the part where I beat myself up over wasted money, but now I'm really frustrated by all the TIME that I've wasted. Time wasted watching TV. Time wasted procrastinating. Time wasted doing heaven knows what.

And they aren't things I particularly even care to do, I think it's just habit and of course, it's often easier to do.

Things I wish I spent more time on. Writing. I used to have a knack for words. Poetry spilled out of me. Letters to friends and loved ones were missives ... now... well, I feel like I'm likely boring anyone who bothers. Heck, I'm boring myself most of the time. Forgive me for still writing -- but practice and habit -- maybe it'll bring me back to where my words mean something once again.

I used to feel so inspired! Now, mostly I just feel tired. I'm tired of picking up the same messes DH leaves behind. I'm tired of getting caught up in peoples petty annoyances. I'm tired of feeling bored with my life, and I have GOOD life! I'm just not doing enough with it right now, and that's a shame. I am not working right now, and I know that's part of my little blueness, but it's also a grand opportunity. To write! To draw! To paint! To create! to learn a new skill. To put a puzzle together and frame it, to write letters, real letters to loved ones.

AUGH! Why can't I just DO IT! Am I SO undisciplined that I can't schedule myself an 8 hour day of living!?

This really, really bothers me, but I'm afraid that every time I say I'm going to do better about it, the redundancies and mundane tasks of life interrupt and then I just fall back onto the sofa and watch that darned Erica Kane on All My Children, or I end up on the computer spending an hour or more filling out freebie forms.

Somehow, I have to do better by myself. I deserve it. Freebies are fun and All My Children is mindless, but they don't REALLY matter in the end if my mind is dulled and the art has died within me. I just have to wake her up again. The one inside who once whispered to me in my dreams. The one who was inspired and FELT so much more. The one who wept and laughed and smiled and hugged and loved--daily! The one who read and wrote and played! I want to meet her again within myself, to draw her out. I deserve it! My husband deserves it! And frankly, she's a lot more fun to be around!

And I know that I just have to do it and not let this hope die as I dream tonight. I have to clean the house tomorrow, but she has to be a part of it. She has to be invited, and she just has to show up for me. I have to know that "she" hasn't abandoned me the way I abandoned her.

Heaven help me, I need her.