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Where is the One I used to be?

August 27th, 2006 at 08:33 pm

I get so frustrated sometimes. You know? I've gotten over the part where I beat myself up over wasted money, but now I'm really frustrated by all the TIME that I've wasted. Time wasted watching TV. Time wasted procrastinating. Time wasted doing heaven knows what.

And they aren't things I particularly even care to do, I think it's just habit and of course, it's often easier to do.

Things I wish I spent more time on. Writing. I used to have a knack for words. Poetry spilled out of me. Letters to friends and loved ones were missives ... now... well, I feel like I'm likely boring anyone who bothers. Heck, I'm boring myself most of the time. Forgive me for still writing -- but practice and habit -- maybe it'll bring me back to where my words mean something once again.

I used to feel so inspired! Now, mostly I just feel tired. I'm tired of picking up the same messes DH leaves behind. I'm tired of getting caught up in peoples petty annoyances. I'm tired of feeling bored with my life, and I have GOOD life! I'm just not doing enough with it right now, and that's a shame. I am not working right now, and I know that's part of my little blueness, but it's also a grand opportunity. To write! To draw! To paint! To create! to learn a new skill. To put a puzzle together and frame it, to write letters, real letters to loved ones.

AUGH! Why can't I just DO IT! Am I SO undisciplined that I can't schedule myself an 8 hour day of living!?

This really, really bothers me, but I'm afraid that every time I say I'm going to do better about it, the redundancies and mundane tasks of life interrupt and then I just fall back onto the sofa and watch that darned Erica Kane on All My Children, or I end up on the computer spending an hour or more filling out freebie forms.

Somehow, I have to do better by myself. I deserve it. Freebies are fun and All My Children is mindless, but they don't REALLY matter in the end if my mind is dulled and the art has died within me. I just have to wake her up again. The one inside who once whispered to me in my dreams. The one who was inspired and FELT so much more. The one who wept and laughed and smiled and hugged and loved--daily! The one who read and wrote and played! I want to meet her again within myself, to draw her out. I deserve it! My husband deserves it! And frankly, she's a lot more fun to be around!

And I know that I just have to do it and not let this hope die as I dream tonight. I have to clean the house tomorrow, but she has to be a part of it. She has to be invited, and she just has to show up for me. I have to know that "she" hasn't abandoned me the way I abandoned her.

Heaven help me, I need her.

7 Responses to “Where is the One I used to be?”

  1. jacquelynrose Says:

    Oh I am hear you Sister! I am working myself away from that right now actually. I want to learn to make clothes and learn a new language. We can do so much to broaden our minds & bodies if we just get away from the icky things that we Do DO. I love the Internet but it is still a BAD Habit, all about Scheduling & hard discipline. Work at it Girly! Big Grin I am there with you.

    Jacquelyn

  2. baselle Says:

    I'm in your spot. I had a scientific career, an unpublished novel in a box, and this blog. Last week when I cleaned out that home office and when rediscovered my optimism, I reread my novel and found that I enjoyed reading it. I looked at the hits on my blog and I figured that somebody was enjoying my writing. So why not consider your blog/journal a chance to write?

  3. boomeyers Says:

    I feel like the older I get, the less I enjoy doing the creative things and many of the things I used to do. I think I have lost patience and mindless tv watching is easier on the brain. Sometimes it feels like survival, not pleasure in each day.

  4. LuckyRobin Says:

    The only way to get back into writing is to do it. Schedule yourself an hour a day where you do nothing but write. Let the words flow out of your fingers and onto the computer screen. It doesn't even have to be about anything to begin with. It is just getting back into the habit. It is putting your brain over onto the other side. If you used to write, I know you understand what I mean. You just have to put yourself over there and let the words write themselves again.

    If you find yourself uninspired at first, put on some kind of epic music, something very sweeping and intense, it really helps to shift your brain over into that "otherness" that the best writing comes from. And do it before your soap comes on. Who knows, you may continue writing all the way through it.

    As for poetry, it tends to come back with pain, so you may have to wait a bit on that score. Although it has been known to pop up with intense joy, also. Just rarer. Hang in there, make the time for it, and it will come back.

  5. StressLess Says:

    I read about the idea of taking yourself on a weekly Artist Date, in a book called (I think) The Aritist's Way by J. Cameron. It's all about rekindling that little flame inside. You go out, by yourself, to someplace that lights that spark. A concert, or a plant nursery, or out to draw under a tree. It has to be by yourself so you can just think your own thoughts and not be distracted.

    I believe she has you write Daily Pages, too, which might be great if you need to jumpstart your writing.

    Believe me, I know what you mean. And I know I'd feel better if I started taking time for Artist Dates again.

  6. Thrifty Ray Says:

    I get rekindled each time I get away..which anymore means when we go camping...I come home with tons of ideas on how to improve...

    But I am right there with you. Ithink you stuck a nerve with many with your very honest, insightful post. Thanks for sharing!

    Now, go do something that aligns with those desires!!!

  7. PauletteGoddard Says:

    I was where you were last year with the "so much free time so much wasted." I am where you are with the "when do I get the fulfilling life? Isn't there more than picking up stuff and being glued to the computer?"

    I had some odd dreams in late June, and opted to spin some features of them into a novel. So I wrote, or rather typed 220+ pages on my word processor. And my depression lifted, and I got a job. Apparently writing a novel, from beginning to end, planning the characters, staying in their voice, plotting elements of suspense really is an accomplishment, published or unpublished.

    Is it that you find scheduling hard? Or is it that life is so routine it's hard to be inspired? Maybe a getaway or something to make your head work a different way. I'm undisciplined too, and I wish I weren't.

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